In 19 hours I’ll be taking off into the sky, headed East to visit my wonderful, amazing, trigger-igniting family. Yup. That’s right. Both things can be true.
I love my family. I think every single person in it is extraordinary. But I also get really triggered when I spend time with them. My head runs amuck with unkind shame tapes… my heart begs for approval, understanding and acceptance. All my “junk” surfaces.
You see, moons ago, I escaped to the West Coast, declaring that I was off to “find myself”, create independence and navigate life on my own terms. But what I was actually doing, was creating a beachfront hiding place, escaping all of my “stuff”.
In many ways, my move has served me infinitely well. But the intention to escape and avoid my family relational crap, well, it just postponed it and spaced it out for periodic visits. I’ve been relentless in my soul work to heal and thrive through my stuff and have made notable leaps. Going back home is always the only true measurement of my soul work.
It’s always easier to work on yourself when you are not in the face of your triggers, than when you are. When an alcoholic walks into a bar… well, you get the idea. Call me crazy, but this is my favorite aspect of going back home… I spent years avoiding it, fearing it, dreading it… getting myself supremely worked up over visits home, layering myself with protective armor for weeks in advance, scripting conversations in my head, developing exit strategies, etc. But it turns out, going into the belly of my beastly triggers is the BEST thing for me. Only in this capacity do I get to test out improved me.
I know I’m not alone in this. I know that many of you will also board planes this week with anxiety in your belly, fear in your heart and ravenous limited self-talk in your mind. So I’m inviting you to join me in the sisterhood of strength for us to use our visits as our ultimate growing opportunities… to soak up all that is presented to us, welcoming each and every trigger as a divine teacher… a gift from the Universe guiding us towards what we can give ourselves permission to let go of and what goodness we can surrender to taking in… all the while, owning that our stuff is our stuff to heal, not theirs to fix for us. When we do so, when we come from a place of empowerment and accountability, that’s where the magic happens… that’s where the real soul work and soul healing begins… one breath, one experience of shared energy at a time.
I’m feeling optimistic and grateful to have the chance to see how I show up THIS time, without expectation or judgment of outcome, but just as a curious witness to the unfolding of my personal growing journey towards self-acceptance, approval and love. Now if only I could figure out how to get all my clothes in one suitcase!